blankHmmm.
Normally I'd just srike out at this with my normal firey temper and find 50 reasons why it either wasn't true, or it was all someone else's fault. But I think that, instead, I will take it to heart.
I am trying, okay?
School started again. I know it's been a few weeks but, ugh. I can't even force myself to listen in most classes. I have several classes with Her in them. Maybe this is why. I try so hard to appear interested, but I am really putting all my energy into staring at a blank piece of paper and not looking up, I don't have room for much else. I used to get such good grades. I used to love school. I don't think I've actually done an assignment yet. But it's not too late to turn things around. Right? Oh god, I got a D on a quiz yesterday. I haven't ever gotten a D in my life before. And it was in Lit. I have to be the dumbest person on the planet, right?
I don't really sleep anymore. I don't eat, I don't go out. I sit. I sit in my room and stare at my ceiling. Or the wall. Or the carpet. I wonder how they can just sit there and be. It must be so easy to be carpet. You already know you role. You just do it. I have no idea what my role is.
I've already lost like 3 kilos. This can't be healthy. Though it may help me get a modelling job. That starts in a few weeks. Second week of November to be exact.
So yeah, from now on I am going to try to not be distant and uncaring.
I'll get Her back. Sure I never lost her. But I want it to feel that way. And it doesn't. Not yet.
I want to feel what it feels like to want again. To need. To be human. God I want to be real. Does that make any sense?
~Deirdre
Oh, and I am going to be 17 in 10 days. And I am teriffied. And I don't know why. Someone just kill me.
