Deirdre Ionúin Gallagher (deirdre_ionuin) wrote,
Deirdre Ionúin Gallagher

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Filtered to Slink, Pierre, Evey, Renee and Melissa

I guess I should explain my melencholy, though you'll probably all just think I'm mad. I'll explain it anyway.

Slink's gunman incident kind of brought something into perspective for me. Avery used to write about it sometimes. In Afrikans but I speak German so I could read some of it. He was worried about eventually losing Jack and Jake because he's an Angel and all...immortal and stuff.

And it just occured to me that I have to do that too. I have to live my life...I have to watch you all grow old without me. I have to watch you die and I won't. I am going to lose everyone I love. Almost everyone I love. And I just have to accept it. And I don't get to go with them. And I wish I could just lose myself in whatever it is that tries to hard to claim me so I wouldn't care, but I can't.

I am keeping myself in control so I can be around you all and be Deirdre, but all it means is that I'm stalling. I could lose myself to it now and probably kill you all and not care. Or I can control myself and lose you all and probably go mental later. It just...makes me want to bash my head against things.

But Peter is being reassuring. Even if he is being gross as well.

I'm just....sad is all. Just sad.
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