It hurts to keep what I am inside. It would be so much easier to let it out. To give in. Why can't I just give in?
Because of them? Because of Renee and Melissa Peter and Pierre and Slink and Jude and Owen and Kaja and Avery and Jack and Jake and Scarlett and Joanne and Claire and my family. And everyone else. It's for them too.
They don't know how hard it is. They don't know how much I want to quit. And each time I slip...how I punish myself for being so terrible.
I shake and I yearn and it's painful. So very painful.
Sometimes I think Peter talks like he thinks it's easy. I know he doesn't mean it. But he can never know what it is. Ever. It's like someone running their fingernails down the chalkboard that is my brain. Like trying to close an suitcase that overflows and refuses to shut. Like being tempted by every heartbeat I hear. Every soul I feel. Like trying to stop a flash flood with a thimble.
I just want to be a good person. I just want to be a good Deirdre.
I think I am going to fail.