Deirdre Ionúin Gallagher (deirdre_ionuin) wrote,
Deirdre Ionúin Gallagher

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Filtered to Her Boys, Renee and Pierre

Sometimes I feel like a volcano. This does make sense, I just have to reason it out. Volcanos have this boiling bubbling substance just under their surface, and at any moment, they could erupt. That's me. I have this calm serene exterior. but underneath, I have all these fears and all this anxiety. And I am afraid that if I lose control I'll erupt. Some volcanos seem quite happy to erupt occasionally. But I can't do that. I can't lose control, even for a second, just to let a little bit of the pressure out. Volcanos like this, just let out a little steam, or a bit of lava, and they're hot for awhile. But then everything cools down and they have another coating on their hard outer shell to protect them. I know I should do this but I CAN'T. I'm the kind of volcano that keeps it all inside until there's too much pressure and the hole top blows off, killing all the volcano and all those in the surrounding area. And the thing STILL keeps going, just without it's top. And I hate it. Why can't I just let go?

I wrote that a year and 3 days ago. And suddenly it makes sense. It was never control issues. It was never anxiety. It was just me.


I wish I could fall asleep

Edit: I also found This comment from Renee. Almost a year ago. Wow. How times have changed.

I hope I can see her tomorrow.

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