I kissed Melissa. No...actually...she kissed me. A few days ago Melissa kissed me. A kiss I have been waiting for for over a year. But it's been a few days now. And we haven't kissed again. I don't know now there's a weird...thing going on.
I told Renee that I still meant everything I said to her in my letter. I still want her to think, and if she decides she wants me...I dunno. I feel so torn. Maybe Melissa was just kissing me to see how it felt to kiss a girl. Maybe it meant nothing? Maybe it meant everything. I don't know. And I am shit scared to ask. Because I don't want her to run again. She says she won't but...I never expected it the first time. How am I supposed to know it won't happen again? I can't. I don't think it will matter though. I saw the way Renee watched Scarlett tonight. She was captivated. Not that I can blame her. She is captivating. Renee's eyes sparkeled. She used to look at me like that. Now she has eyes only for Scarlett. How can I even hold a candle to her? She's....a goddess. Renee always says that. I see it. I can't even hate her because she's just so darn...wonderful.
I am so sure that Renee will choose Scarlett, but why do I still feel so rotten? Kissing Melissa and then wishing it would happen again while waiting for another person to tell me if we can get together again or not? I am such a whore. So terrible. And I see the things that are happening to my friends, the crumbling of relationships, the denial that there's something bigger out there, the worry, the fear, the lonliness....and I want to help them and I get so tired. Why do they come to me? Can't they see I am fucked up too? Maybe I hide it well, who knows? I'm just. I want Melissa. I want Renee. Renee wants Scarlett. Melissa wants X. Probably not me. Nobody wants me.
I'm Deirdre, and I am alone. I have so many friends who need me, but I am alone.