Hello, My Lovely One. I feel I need to say this to you. We've been spending more and more time together and I wouldn't trade that for the world. But I want you to know how much it hurts. It hurts every second that I am with you. It hurts more when I am without you.
You know, by now, that I love you. I love you with every fiber of my being. You're all I think about. I think about you when I wake up, I think about you all day, I think about you when I am lying awake at night. And when sleep finally claims me, I dream of you. You're the reason I do everything. You're the reason I constantly strive to be a better person. For you. You're why I went to Austria to figure myself out. You're why I've learned how to control whatever it is about me that makes me different. You're why I went to The Cauldron and took Marcel's magic away. I did it all to help you. I did it so I could be the kind of person you could love again. Like you once did. I did it to make you happy.
The other day, you cried in my lap. You poured your heart out to me about another woman. DO you know how hard it is to be trying to convince the woman you love that things just might work out between her and the woman SHE loves. Yes. I suspect you do. This is what you felt with Scarlett and Kait, isn't it? Well if that doesn't prove to you that I love you, I don't know what will.
I don't want you to make a rash decision. I don't want you to read this and suddenly realise I am what you want, NOR do I want you to read this and go running for the hills because you think I am demanding a commitment from you. Soon, our Boys will be here. And after they visit, I will be going back with them to South Africa for a little while. A week, maybe two. I can't explain why, but I know a lot of answers about who I am, or WHAT I am, lie there. When I get back I'll tell you everything about me. You won't be left in the dark about anything. And then, when you have all the information and you've taken the time to KNOW, you can tell me where I stand.
I think it's best if you try to take this all to heart while I am gone. To see if you long for me the same way I long for you. To see if it physically hurts to know that you can't speak to me before you sleep. If the answer is yes, then I am yours. If, while I am gone, you realise that it's easy, that's okay too. All I want is to make you happy, but I can't do that if I am not honest. If what makes you happy is being your friend forever, I'll do that too. If it makes you happy for me to cut my leg off and go through all my days hopping, I'd do THAT. I'd do anything for you.