I think that my constant need to have people around is only so I can feel protected. Like...if he comes here and I have people over, maybe he'll leave me alone?
Maybe he won't kill me?
I'm either here, freaking out about it to myself, or I am talking to someone else, pretending it never happened. Denial, or complete incapacitating fear.
It's not fucking fair.
I shake all the time. I jump at the tiniest sounds. And yet, if he were coming, I'd know. I just would. He's not yet. But I can't calm down.
If I had the money, I'd run away again. Why did I have to come back then!?
Oh yes. Because if I hadn't, I'd be eating Haribo gummi bears to stay alive, and living on the streets.
But I'd be alive. And not afraid.
Not afraid of him anyway. I don't even know why I AM afraid of him.
Oh yes. Because he's me. If I see him, I have to accept what I am.
I don't want to see that.