February 24th, 2008

Look Away, Angels on the Sidelines

Filtered to Renee and Tamm

Went to doctor's. I'm fine. Just you know...sick because I have 20 people violate my innards.

Renee, I didn't mean I wanted you to leave today. I just meant...you were telling me what to do. Again. And you don't understand. You can't understand what it felt like. It was like I didn't have a voice. I kept screaming and no one cared. No one listened. I told them to stop and they didn't. They kept right on going. Right on fucking. And I didn't want it. Goddammit, I didn't want it. I just want to choose what's right for me. By myself. And NO ONE will let me do that.

Tamm, you made me feel fucking violated today because you wouldn't listen to me. I said no and you kept right on going. How is it YOUR RIGHT to do that. And then go behind my back and call Peter who now won't leave me alone FYI, but that's okay. Don't EVER use your...testosteroney self against me again, or I swear to god, I'll vomit on YOU next time.

And Renee...I'm sorry I yelled. But Tamm scared me and it came from that and I didn't mean it. I love you. So much. But you all HAVE to learn to let me BE!

Now I understand how Jude felt when I was trying to convince her not to leave. Eugh.
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