June 4th, 2006

Dance the Ghost with Me

(no subject)

Now that I think about it...Download probably isn't the best place for me to be anyway. I cancelled the limo since everyone is going with Scarlett now. Does anyone want my tickets. You can have 'em, they're yours. Evanna has first dibs. She likes roadtrips and bands and she's crazy and fun.

Me, I think I'll spend the money I'd been saving for the limo on something big. Or not...I should save for school. I am going to be so screwed if I can't afford it. Evey's parents are paying for hers. My Mam would but I don't want to ask her.

SPEAKING of my Mam...can someone tell me why I do this to myself? I called her to tell her about getting the commercial, yeah? She was thrilled. And then she asked me if I wanted her to do my headshots and I told her they were done and she got upset and I said that I needed them quickly and she wasn't here and she took that to mean that I wanted her to visit......

My Mam is coming to stay this weekend. Again. At least Peter is gone so she can't hit on him this time. The whole 'He's a priest' thing wouldn't work because he's not anymore. Oh Christ.

I'll be hiding under my bed.
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    morose morose
Some Little Girl

Private--Concerning Peter

Is it odd to want to run to him with every little problem? It's become second nature. I've only known the man for...god...4 months. FOUR MONTHS. And I love him more than anyone in my family, save Evanna. I've probably spent more time talking with him than I have with my Mam. She left when I was 5 and I've hardly seen her since, save the month I spent with her last summer.

And my father...he's...well he's an arsehole. He used me and hit me and left me alone. I never loved him. How could I?

And now there's Peter. I wish he were my father. I love him. I adore him. I want to ring him every day just to tell him what I've done like normal people do at the dinner table. I want him to hold me when I am sad and kiss my skinned knees to make them all better. And it's ridiculous. I'm 17 years old and I've been taking care of myself since I was 11. And even partially since I was 5!

Maybe therein lies the problem. I never had anyone to turn to, and now I do and I find myself doing it constantly. I am so insanely jealous of Avery and Jack and Jake and James and Lydia and Bess and Annabelle and Anna. He's there with them now. They get to see him at night and he can give them advice and smile at them and help them. If they want him to, of course. And here I am in London, wishing he were here. Wishing he were mine. He wondered why I'd gone to see him so much lately. It wasn't because I had problems I couldn't solve, as much as just wanting the feeling of going to someone with them. Being able to confide in someone. Rely on someone. An adult someone.

I just want parents. Normal ones that aren't crazy.

I just want a daddy. He's the closest thing I'll ever get to one and he's leaving. And I really wish I could say that I didn't feel like packing it all up and going with him. It would be a lie. I am this close to doing it. My boys are there, Claire is there, and he is there. But it's stupid and silly. I never needed it before, why should I need it now?

At least he'll be proud of me when I tell him I didn't go to Download. There's a chance I would end up sucking the souls of all the people there. I was strong and realised it. He'll be proud of me and he'll tell me that and he'll smile and then I'll smile too.
  • Current Mood
    discontent discontent
Dance the Ghost with Me

Another Private Entry

FUCK FUCK FUCK

FUCKING SHITEBAGS FUCK

STUPID FUCKING STUPID FUCK




Annnnnnnd I'm done
  • Current Mood
    horny Wanting Melissa