May 29th, 2006

I don't know if I am real without you

Filtered to Slink, Pierre, Evey, Renee and Melissa

I guess I should explain my melencholy, though you'll probably all just think I'm mad. I'll explain it anyway.

Slink's gunman incident kind of brought something into perspective for me. Avery used to write about it sometimes. In Afrikans but I speak German so I could read some of it. He was worried about eventually losing Jack and Jake because he's an Angel and all...immortal and stuff.

And it just occured to me that I have to do that too. I have to live my life...I have to watch you all grow old without me. I have to watch you die and I won't. I am going to lose everyone I love. Almost everyone I love. And I just have to accept it. And I don't get to go with them. And I wish I could just lose myself in whatever it is that tries to hard to claim me so I wouldn't care, but I can't.

I am keeping myself in control so I can be around you all and be Deirdre, but all it means is that I'm stalling. I could lose myself to it now and probably kill you all and not care. Or I can control myself and lose you all and probably go mental later. It just...makes me want to bash my head against things.

But Peter is being reassuring. Even if he is being gross as well.

I'm just....sad is all. Just sad.
  • Current Mood
    morose morose
Dance the Ghost with Me

Busy Day

So, today was hectic! I had my equivalency exam this morning at 8:00 am. Good thing I am an early riser by choice! Easiest test I have EVER taken. I won't get my results of about a week but, I can tell you right now, I kicked arse.

Went to an audition this afternoon.

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I think I did okay. Not so sure about it but I have another one tomorrow! After the audition, I went to get my headshots done. I lied about you getting to vote, I chose one because it's the hottest ever, okay! Keep in mind, the ones I give out will be black and white and not coloured but they made me look so NICE!

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And, because I can't resist a good picspam, and I am in a good mood because AVERY IS AWAKE! Random shite!

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WHEEEE Okay Sleep is good.
  • Current Mood
    busy busy
Desire, My Fatal Desire

Private

Oh for fuck's sake.

I am so completely and utterly banjaxed it's not even funny.

I love them both.