May 20th, 2006

Dreaming comes so easily

Private-now filtered to those in the know

Your love has sent me flying with wings I never had.
If you can see the good in me, then I guess I'm not all bad.
But I'm no Angel, I'm not an Angel.

So many people are hurting and so many people are suffering and I want to help them all and it's killing me that I can't. Is this how Peter feels? Is that what makes him do the things he does? Risking everything to save one person because half risks saved nothing?

Why can't I be like him? I want to help but I'm fucking 17 years old. And while I made a large step thanks to his sacrifice, I'm not sure I am 100% okay forever and ever yet. Will I ever be 100% okay? Does that mean I can't help?

Peter spoke to me like a friend today. He's never spoken like that to me before. Like an aquaintance and then a daughter, but never like a friend. Not like that. It was like he was keeping me at a distance before intentionally, which I can't blame him for and now there's no need. Barriers fell even though I held a knife to his throat.

There's so many things I have left to do and now I can. I want to go to Paris with Renee. I want to see Pierre finally be HAPPY. I want to be best friends with Melissa again and do silly stupid things with her and Evey. I want to spend time with Peter just talking with none of this demon crap between us because we've moved past it. I want to walk my dogs with Owen and bake with Kaja and be fun with Slink and be there for Jude. I want to meet this new boy that is with Owen. I want to see my Three Boys happy again and together and not frozen. I want to love and dance and walk in the moonlight and be happy myself. I want to go to Vienna again and enjoy it this time. I want to see Romania and see Dracula's Castle.

And I want to help.

And I want to sleep, but I can't stop dreaming about what I did to Peter. Which I suppose is a good reminder of what can happen, but I am really going to have to dream it every night?
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