April 25th, 2006

Your Devils

Filtered to Her Boys, Renee and Pierre

Sometimes I feel like a volcano. This does make sense, I just have to reason it out. Volcanos have this boiling bubbling substance just under their surface, and at any moment, they could erupt. That's me. I have this calm serene exterior. but underneath, I have all these fears and all this anxiety. And I am afraid that if I lose control I'll erupt. Some volcanos seem quite happy to erupt occasionally. But I can't do that. I can't lose control, even for a second, just to let a little bit of the pressure out. Volcanos like this, just let out a little steam, or a bit of lava, and they're hot for awhile. But then everything cools down and they have another coating on their hard outer shell to protect them. I know I should do this but I CAN'T. I'm the kind of volcano that keeps it all inside until there's too much pressure and the hole top blows off, killing all the volcano and all those in the surrounding area. And the thing STILL keeps going, just without it's top. And I hate it. Why can't I just let go?

I wrote that a year and 3 days ago. And suddenly it makes sense. It was never control issues. It was never anxiety. It was just me.


I wish I could fall asleep

Edit: I also found This comment from Renee. Almost a year ago. Wow. How times have changed.

I hope I can see her tomorrow.
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic nostalgic
Dance the Ghost with Me

(no subject)

I think I am getting sick. I haven't been sick in...god...years. Well...save for things I've done to myself. But I feel ill. I can't be ill. I have to meet up with Kaja tomorrow and see my Boys on Wednesday and take care of Renee and cheer up Liss and make sure Jude is okay and cook dinner for Pierre and help out with my housemates and finish my schoolwork and walk my dogs and feed the cats and clean the house and do the dishes and I can't sleep yet because there's too much to do and it's all



I am going to go curl up into a little ball and die now.
  • Current Mood
    sick sick
Your Devils


You cannot help everyone all the time but you try and that is what matters. It makes you special Deirdre. Let me know if I can help you, mon ami.

Pierre said it. And it's true. I do try. But I'm so tired...it's like...why do I try to mend the scrapes and bruises when they'll just hurt themselves again and the process will start over. I try so hard. And does anyone try to save me? The minute they try, I won't let them. I stop them.

Someone save me. SAVE ME! And don't listen when I push you away...

I was sitting on my bed and I looked up on the ceiling and I saw a spider there. Without even thinking, or realising what I was doing, I...found it. I felt it's energy. So small and weak, but present. And I took it. The spider fell from my ceiling and lay crumpled on my carpet. It was alive, but barely. I picked it up with a tissue, killed it, and threw it away. I stole it's soul, and then I took it's life.

What if I do this to a person? It was instinctual. It was over before I realised it happened. I feel no remorse for the spider. I feel no remorse for Marcel. But I am still responsible for what happened to them.

What happens if the line blurs? Will I feel no remorse for Pierre, My Boys, Father Peter, Jude, Liss....Renee? Could I do the same to them that I did to those two vermin? Am I capable of that?

Somehow...I don't know.