April 6th, 2006

I'm not listening, I am Pale

Oh, Thank Fuck

Emilie just called me. Renee is going to be okay, you guys. She's going to be okay.

She's all finished with surgery but she is going to be asleep for several days, most likely. Emilie told me that I should tell you that in about....*checks watch* Okay...15 minutes, she should be moved to recovery and she can have visitors. I'd ask (because it seems right) that you give her parents time alone with Renee first, but after that, they've asked that her friends go visit her. Just because she's not awake, doesn't mean you can't see her.

Can I ask you guys a favour? My plane ticket isn't until Friday. That means I can't be there for her until then. When I was in hospital, Renee didn't leave me alone. Please...don't leave her alone? Can you make sure there's always someone with her, in case she wakes up? I can't stand the thought of her waking up alone in there. I probably didn't need to ask this, but just in case. Bring her flowers, talk to her, tell her you love her, tell her I love her, tell her she's not alone. She needs to know that.

You are the most amazing people.

Now I am off to text all this information to you just in case you don't read this.

And I'll see you all on Friday. I love you.
  • Current Mood
    relieved relieved
I don't know if I am real without you


I don't think I have ever been so relieved in my life. Of course, I am insanely jealous that I can't be there right now, but I am sure that it is better for me to be here. My Boys have made me feel so much better. They are amazing. And Claire...there are no words to express how wonderful she is.

And there are amazing people that will be there with her. Pierre, Scarlett, Stephanie, Delilah and so many others. I just hope they don't leave her alone. She would hate that.

I collapsed on my bed, crying happy tears for 45 minutes after I heard. I couldn't stop. My Renee will be okay. And I can see her on Friday and she'll be alive. She might not be awake, but she'll be alive.

I kept going over and over in my head what I would do without her. An eternity without my Renee. Eventually I will have to accept that, but, thankfully, now is not the time. I can't think about what will happen when that time comes.

I can't even think. My mind is so scattered. I'm fucking tired and I should get back to the sleepover, but I want to savour this moment.

My Renee.

Your Devils

Very Private

I don't want to go home. I want to go see Renee. I want to be with her. But I don't want to go home. Why? Because of Ry.

He constantly attacks me. When he attacks I get defensive. I defend myself, which he then decides is attacking and tells me I am a terrible person. Because he is OBVIOUSLY always right. Sure he is. He treats the people he 'cares' about like shit, how will he treat me? I am terrified that one day he is going to snap and try to hit me. And why am I terrified of that? Because he'll hurt me? No. He couldn't. Because I might hurt HIM. It's my nature. I am a demon. I. Am. A. Demon. If I am provoked, I retaliate before I can think. If he hit me, I could..... I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt ANYone.

And as much as I think he is a terribly selfish person, I see the person he could be. All he needs to do is open up. Maybe try seeing what OTHERS feel like for a change. And I can't kick him out because Stephie needs him. For whatever reason, she does. And Renee likes having him around too, though I doubt she'd care where. Not that I would kick him out anyway. I wouldn't do that to anyone. Unless they actively hurt my friends. I learned that lesson.

I am sick of being the bigger person. I am sick of apologising when I am not the one at fault. I am sick of offering friendship and having it be refused. I keep TRYING because I want to help him. I do. And all I get is detatched cynicism at best. And I do wonder why I keep trying. But I always will. Again and again and again. As many times as it takes. Even if it takes forever.

Because that is what I do. I'm Deirdre. Peacemaker.

So what if it makes me wish I was dead.
  • Current Mood
    blank blank
Deliver from sadness

(no subject)

My thoughts are so scattered like the stars in the sky.

I try to be poetic and it never works. No wonder why I never read my poetry at the readings, and decide to instead listen to others. I miss my poetry bar. The Black Cat. Much more homey than Dante's but Renee liked Dante's more. They served alcohol. Her Absinthe. Besides, Lou is there.

I for one, am never touching absinthe again. Though I did enjoy my tango, thank you.

We had a sleepover last night and we'll have another one tonight. One I know will probably not be interrupted by a ringing mobile. Not that I'd mind if it was, of course.

I'm glad I brought the thing WITH me.

I think I shall have my first night of full sleep since I arrived.

I also have a brand spanking new drawing of myself. But only Renee will get the honour of seeing it. I think she'll find it delectible. At least, I hope she will. She likes the word delectible.

My head hurts and my eyes hurt and my heart hurts.

I sent a letter to Father Peter. I hope he gets it. I want to see him. Not just because I have a lot of things to tell him but also...he's like...the only father figure I've ever had. And I think...something like this just makes me want my Daddy. But if he's not there when I get home, Pierre will be. And Steph. I don't know who else. And then I can go to the hospital and see my Renee. She might be awake by then. She might not. I'll sit with her and read her favourite book to her. I should ask someone to pick it up for me. Of course...it's at her house.

And, My Liss, it looks like I shall be in London for your party afterall. I think everyone could use a party. I have the best present for you, Lovely.
  • Current Mood
    listless listless