February 5th, 2006

Just breathe

Private-Now filtered to those in the know

Accepting something about yourself is harder than it sounds. Especially when it's not a nice thing.

I learned a lot of things about myself today. The biggest one being, that I can't just sit by and watch myself go terrible things. I have to realise what I am doing, and stop it. And then of course, when I thought about it, I already have done that on several occasions. It was just a few that I got carried away.

That's good. I can trust myself around people again. But can I trust myself around Her? Would she even be around me again? I wouldn't blame her if she wouldn't. Not at all. She has every reason to tell me to get fucked. But-god I want her. And I think everything could be okay again.

Now I just wonder why the hell I am different. Why me? What IS it about me that's different? Besides getting really pissed and losing my head and doing awful things to someone I love? Mr. Peter Kemp the very attractive priest didn't seem to know what it is. He just said there was something different about me. And that most people like me are evil. Or something. I wasn't really sure. I've written him a letter already today. I hope that it makes sense to him.

I've only been here for a few days, but I think I may have already accomplished what I came here to do. I still want to stay here a little while longer, to take time to digest this, but I have to go home soon. If not, I'll run out of money. And there's things I am supposed to be doing. Like school. And taking care of Jude. And now I'm not afraid of doing something stupid to her.

Though I AM afraid that I'll get back and they'll all hate me. Guess I'll just have to explain myself. But HOW in the hell will I do that?
Dance the Ghost with Me

(no subject)

I'll be leaving here in a few days. It'll take a while to get home too, because the train always takes a few days.

But I'll be home soon.

I learned a lot of things today.

Everything is going to be okay. At least...I think it will be. But today, I just felt so...good. I felt like me. That's something I lost when I lost Renee. And I came here to find it and I did.

I am going to Karlskirche tomorrow and then, tomorrow night, I am going to stand in line to get a stehplatze at the Staatsoper. They're doing The Valkyrie! I love Wagner. I guess I would. So even if I have to stand, I am going to love it. Though I'd rather have a box seat!

I hope you're all doing well. I really do.

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