October 18th, 2005

Dance the Ghost with Me

(no subject)

Apprently I am distant and I seem uncaring.


Normally I'd just srike out at this with my normal firey temper and find 50 reasons why it either wasn't true, or it was all someone else's fault. But I think that, instead, I will take it to heart.

I am trying, okay?

School started again. I know it's been a few weeks but, ugh. I can't even force myself to listen in most classes. I have several classes with Her in them. Maybe this is why. I try so hard to appear interested, but I am really putting all my energy into staring at a blank piece of paper and not looking up, I don't have room for much else. I used to get such good grades. I used to love school. I don't think I've actually done an assignment yet. But it's not too late to turn things around. Right? Oh god, I got a D on a quiz yesterday. I haven't ever gotten a D in my life before. And it was in Lit. I have to be the dumbest person on the planet, right?

I don't really sleep anymore. I don't eat, I don't go out. I sit. I sit in my room and stare at my ceiling. Or the wall. Or the carpet. I wonder how they can just sit there and be. It must be so easy to be carpet. You already know you role. You just do it. I have no idea what my role is.

I've already lost like 3 kilos. This can't be healthy. Though it may help me get a modelling job. That starts in a few weeks. Second week of November to be exact.

So yeah, from now on I am going to try to not be distant and uncaring.

I'll get Her back. Sure I never lost her. But I want it to feel that way. And it doesn't. Not yet.

I want to feel what it feels like to want again. To need. To be human. God I want to be real. Does that make any sense?


Oh, and I am going to be 17 in 10 days. And I am teriffied. And I don't know why. Someone just kill me.
  • Current Mood
    blank blank
Dance the Ghost with Me

(no subject)

Because I am trying to keep myself from staring again, I shall do this. I stole it from Avery and Jack.

Collapse )

Back to...nothing.



101. Goddammit, I have taken care of myself for so long. All I want is someone to take care of ME. Is that too much to ask?