April 22nd, 2005

Dance the Ghost with Me

(no subject)

Sometimes I feel like a volcano. This does make sense, I just have to reason it out. Volcanos have this boiling bubbling substance just under their surface, and at any moment, they could erupt. That's me. I have this calm serene exterior. but underneath, I have all these fears and all this anxiety. And I am afraid that if I lose control I'll erupt. Some volcanos seem quite happy to erupt occasionally. But I can't do that. I can't lose control, even for a second, just to let a little bit of the pressure out. Volcanos like this, just let out a little steam, or a bit of lava, and they're hot for awhile. But then everything cools down and they have another coating on their hard outer shell to protect them. I know I should do this but I CAN'T. I'm the kind of volcano that keeps it all inside until there's too much pressure and the hole top blows off, killing all the volcano and all those in the surrounding area. And the thing STILL keeps going, just without it's top. And I hate it. Why can't I just let go?

Yesterday was alright. I didn't see any of the people I met on my first day, but as I was feeling morose, that was okay. When I got home, my father had left a message for me on the answering machine. Did he ask how my day was? Did he ask about my new school? No. He told me to take any messages left for him by this other company, and text them to his mobile. I guess that means his trip has been extended. I don't know if I feel glad about that, or upset that I wasn't important enough to come home for. After that, I didn't have the energy to cook myself dinner. I couldn't be bothered, so I just went to bed. Maeve curled up on the pillow next to my head, which was lovely. I'll put a picture of her up soon. She's a darling cat.

I hope today will go better. I woke up at 5 am because I went to bed so early. So I practised my Flute. I love the minor scales. They sound so dark and a tad evil. Then I played my piccolo. It sounded horrible, as usual. I don't understand why I can't get a good sound on it. I think I just need a better instrument. Maybe I've outgrown the learner piccolo, and need to switch to semi-professional instruments. That's the flute that I have, but I figured that I would start out new on the piccolo. It seems I figured wrong. I shall have to remedy this. I feel like spending dear Daddy's money in revenge. Though, knowing him, THAT he'd notice.

  • Current Music
    Dream Theatre~Surrounded
Dance the Ghost with Me

(no subject)

Being calm is hard.

Especially when you're alone and you HATE it.

And I get a call. And it's him. Wanting me to 'go fetch'. Like I'm a dog.

I want to scream or yell or hit things or...something.

Good girls don't do that. Good girls don't lose their cool. Good girls do whatever their father says, and they never agrue or speak out of turn. And I'm a good girl. Or at least that's what he always says. "Be a good girl, Deirdre."

Fuck you, Dad. I am not your secretary and I am not running your errands. And I'm NOT a good girl.

I try to be so perfect for you. And you don't give a shit.

Well as of now neither do I.

Dammit...I wish that were true.
  • Current Mood
    enraged enraged