Deirdre Ionúin Gallagher (deirdre_ionuin) wrote,
Deirdre Ionúin Gallagher

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I think I am about to explode. I get over this 'Renee is acting weird' thing finally. Well, for the most part. But I just move on to something else.

Jamie and Renee are driving me crazy.

Why can't they just fucking get along?! One is too convined that he either did nothing wrong or that he shouldn't HAVE to apologise, and the other is too convinced that the other is trying to take me away. Can't they meet in the middle. Can't they TRY? Can't they see that they're pulling me in fucking half!?

Every time I spend a minute with Jamie, Renee gives me this little Look. Like she doesn't approve. And every time I spend time with Renee, Jamie gives me this sad soulful look, or he guilt trips me later about it. He says that if I spent more time with him he wouldn't work so hard. And him working so hard is driving him a bit insane. Ergo it MUST be my fault he's insane. He didn't say that part, that was me. Jumping to conclusions. But godammit why hasn't either of them realised thay just MAYBE if they could be big enough to solve their problems, then just MAYBE they could spend time with me together. Oh wow, what a concept!

I know that niether of them want me to have to choose between them. Which is good, because I know who I'd choose, and I don't want to hurt Jamie. He doesn't deserve it. He's a good guy and let's face it, he saved my arse a few times, not to mention my life. Though Renee did that too. Just in a less literal way. But I love her. God I love her so much. She's everything I've always wanted. SO full of life. Nice, giving, kind, and fucking sexy. And I know that never in a million years would she hurt me like Jamie hurt me. He didn't mean to. But he did. And I know she's keeping something from me, but it's probably nothing. It's probably just that Pierre's parents are sick or something and she doesn't want to bother me. She'd never hurt me outright. Ever. I know that. And Jamie did.

Of course there is the fact that Renee spilled soda all over Jamie's friend Misty. Ugh. I couldn't believe that. I mean, I still think Misty has a lot to learn in the form of social skills, but she's not so bad. She was incredibly rude that day, but I don't think it merits having soda spilled on her and being called a dog. Maybe it's a French thing, I don't know. But I confronted Renee about it. She apologised to me. For all the good that does. Doesn't make we want her any less. But it makes me realise that hopes of reconciliation between her and Jamie are lessening as each day passes.

So why can't one of them fucking step up? I am sick and tired of being in the goddamned middle. I was in the middle of my parents. Sure my mam hardly ever spoke to us after she left, but when she did, I had to hear it from both of them. And now I'm in the middle again. I thought I was done with this schooground bullshit. I keep telling both of them. Just talk to each other. Work it out. All I get is excuses. I'd lock them in a room together if I didn't think that Renee would kill Jamie.

I am sick of living in a war zone.

I never felt at home until my father left and the house became mine. And now I don't feel at home again. It's not confortable here. I feel bad no matter what I do. So I think, today, I am spending it on my own and they can both just fucking deal with it.

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