Deirdre Ionúin Gallagher (deirdre_ionuin) wrote,
Deirdre Ionúin Gallagher
deirdre_ionuin

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Very Private

I don't want to go home. I want to go see Renee. I want to be with her. But I don't want to go home. Why? Because of Ry.

He constantly attacks me. When he attacks I get defensive. I defend myself, which he then decides is attacking and tells me I am a terrible person. Because he is OBVIOUSLY always right. Sure he is. He treats the people he 'cares' about like shit, how will he treat me? I am terrified that one day he is going to snap and try to hit me. And why am I terrified of that? Because he'll hurt me? No. He couldn't. Because I might hurt HIM. It's my nature. I am a demon. I. Am. A. Demon. If I am provoked, I retaliate before I can think. If he hit me, I could..... I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt ANYone.

And as much as I think he is a terribly selfish person, I see the person he could be. All he needs to do is open up. Maybe try seeing what OTHERS feel like for a change. And I can't kick him out because Stephie needs him. For whatever reason, she does. And Renee likes having him around too, though I doubt she'd care where. Not that I would kick him out anyway. I wouldn't do that to anyone. Unless they actively hurt my friends. I learned that lesson.

I am sick of being the bigger person. I am sick of apologising when I am not the one at fault. I am sick of offering friendship and having it be refused. I keep TRYING because I want to help him. I do. And all I get is detatched cynicism at best. And I do wonder why I keep trying. But I always will. Again and again and again. As many times as it takes. Even if it takes forever.

Because that is what I do. I'm Deirdre. Peacemaker.

So what if it makes me wish I was dead.
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