Deirdre Ionúin Gallagher (deirdre_ionuin) wrote,
Deirdre Ionúin Gallagher
deirdre_ionuin

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I've updated so much today. Because so much has happened. My whole world just came back to London. And I have no idea where I stand.

Renee commented to my post. Every single time I recieve a comment from Renee, my heart skips a beat and I get excited and I rush to read it. And I read it and sigh and reply and hope she's still around to reply back.

Today? I looked at it and I couldn't remember who she was for a second. Renee. RENEE!

I don't even know if Melissa wants me. I too scared to fall asleep just to wake up and find it was all a dream. What if I go to school tomorrow and she's not there. And what if I come home tomorrow and I have to way to contact her. And what if I never see her again. That. Can't. Happen.

What I do know is that I no longer know what I want. I love Renee. We were together for months. In a relationship. We worked until whatever I am decided to get all manifesty. We worked well. Really well. Oh hell, we were fucking hot. And I need her. But now...HOW do I need her?

But Melissa is...Melissa. I have NO idea if we'd even work in a relationship or even if she'd ever want one. But she's my Melissa. I've known her since I was 11. Well. Minus a year. She was the first person to be kind to me after I came here from Ireland. She was the first girl I ever loved. The first one I kissed. She why I KNEW I liked women. For years, she was my reason for exsisting. When my father would be terrible I knew I could go there and she'd curl up with me in her bed and we'd fall asleep. Or she'd come to my house and we'd make huge messes that we said he'd have to clean up. Even though I only cleaned them up the next day because that's who I am. She was the first one to ask when I was sad, the first one who handed me a tissue when I cried. And right now? Without her? Agony.

AAUUUGGGHHHHH!!

Irony? This must have been how Renee felt about Kait. I wish she'd told me so I could have helped her. But I can't tell her about this because I don't want her to feel....like she was only fodder until something better came along. That's not what it is. I want her to think. I want her to decide. It's just....I thought I knew what I wanted her to decide and now? I don't.
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