I'm not mad anymore. I'm going to be moving back home this weekend, I just want to finish a few things up at this flat first before I offer it out to people.
I talked to the father. He didn't really care. He doesn't want anything to do with this, which is how I want it. And I knew that, but apparently you all needed me to make sure, and that's okay. Now we can all be sure. As for how it happened, I got lost. I was searching for something and when I got pregnant the first time, I didn't even know I was until I took one wrong step and it was gone. And I started thinking...god, I can't do anything right. Renee left me because she apparently couldn't give me time to find myself. And that's okay. That's her choice. And then I kill something immortal. Go me. I couldn't save my father, and I couldn't save my baby and what good was I? I was grieving for something I hadn't even know I had.
But it happened again. By some fucking miracle, it happened again and I'm not fucking up this time. Clearly, I'm meant to have a child. I feel so...calm. At peace. More at peace than I have felt in so long. Since Paris. It's like a part of me that was stripped away, has been brought back. Not because of the baby, I don't think. Just because I finally get that missing puzzlepiece. You know...I've watched you all with your kids and it's not easy to think I could have had that. I could have been a mother too by now. There's such love there. Giving up that baby was the right thing to do, but it left this gaping hole inside me because even though I wasn't ready to have kids then and I certianly wasn't emotionally stable enough, I still wanted that baby. I have one now. I'm happy about it. I am going to love it so much. I've lived in a home full of them long enough. I have a baby sister. I took care of Peter's kids when Aly was ill and he needed help. I can do this.
So I guess...I understand why you all flipped out? But it's unnecessary. I'm fine. Better than fine. Happy. But I really don't feel like being judged on how this happened because I'm back with Kait now and what I did before that was a different me. Something wondrous came out of it, and I'm not going back there. That's all that matters.
That and I love you.