Deirdre Ionúin Gallagher (deirdre_ionuin) wrote,
Deirdre Ionúin Gallagher
deirdre_ionuin

Private

I promised myself that when I moved to Victoria Lane and started going to Regents, that I'd open up. Make friends. Be a nicer Deirdre. Before that I had Melissa and Michael in Eltham, but they knew very little about ME. I had Megan in Dublin. And her friends and family were nice enough to accept me. I had my boring cousins. I wanted more.

But fucking hell.

WHY?

If this is all you get when you open up, then WHY THE HELL SHOULD ANYONE DO IT?!

I miss her. Oh god, I miss her so much it's killing me. And I am trying SO HARD to pretend like it's okay. I know I'm not doing a very good job. But all I want to do is curl up into a ball and die. I just want to run to her, stroke her hair and tell her that I don't care what she did. Why should that matter anyway, right? I don't even know most of the things I said to her, let alone why. Maybe she'd forgive me? But I could never trust again, could I? I'd always be jealous, questioning. That sucks. The best thing to do is pretend I don't want her anymore. That's what I said, isn't it?

I can't believe those words came out of my mouth. I was trying to comfort her. Trying to take her in my arms and say nothing mattered. But I couldn't. It's like something else was controlling me. Something... It felt like my father was in the room. Speaking through me.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I want so much, but something is keeping me from having it. From taking the simple steps to having it in my fingers. In my heart.

And now Jude...why should I have friends if all they do is leave and betray me.

That's not fair. The Boys left, but not forever. Slink hasn't gone. But Jude is gone. I hope she's alright. And part of me RESENTS HER for having to hope she's alright. For having to worry.

That is NOT okay.

I am not okay.

Whatever I am...it is not right.

Someone should shoot me dead.
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